


i don't wanna be alone tonight (it's pretty clear i'm not over you)

by jaesungs



Series: just hold my hand (follow me over that sky) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boxing, Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Illegal Activities, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 07:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19146784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaesungs/pseuds/jaesungs
Summary: “do you love me?” mark asked, staring at donghyuck in a way the younger had never experienced.“you know i do.”“will you stay?”“you know i can’t.”or, mark lee boxes to feel something after lee donghyuck.





	i don't wanna be alone tonight (it's pretty clear i'm not over you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [strblssm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strblssm/gifts).



> listened to highway to heaven by nct 127 the entire time i wrote this,,,,, uhh. yeah. that's it,,,,,,
> 
> dedicated to my baby em!! i love u forever and ever. thank u for helping me with all my shit and for being my beta reader for this. thank u so much. u deserve the world and i wish i could give u more than a dedication. 
> 
> enjoy.
> 
> [9 june 2019] title: dancing with a stranger by sam smith and normani

“Nothing in my life has ever felt so good yet hurt so achingly bad.”

— Colleen Hoover, _Maybe Someday_

lee donghyuck has always been a force to be reckoned with. he was confident, wickedly sweet—maybe so much so he was a little more sour than sweet—and beautiful. and, mark lee loved everything about lee donghyuck. from the way the latter laughed to the way he bit his lip when he wanted to keep from crying.

lee donghyuck is and will always be the worst thing to ever happen to mark lee. when broken meets broken, there is no repair. there is only destruction like that of a hurricane, leaving only blue and green water to drown in. 

and, mark lee drowned. his lungs filled with lee donghyuck and he suffocated.

but, he would do it all over again. every single time.

†

when mark lee laid eyes on lee donghyuck for the first time in creative writing, his heart did this thing and his chest tightened and his hands got sweaty and his mind went blank.

there was this effortless beauty to lee donghyuck, from the way he walked so casually to the way he barely combed through his hair in the morning. no one compared.

and, mark lee was addicted to the way lee donghyuck licked his lips and furrowed his eyebrows when he typed his paragraphs. 

see, mark had never believed in love at first sight. maybe, he didn’t really believe in love at all. but, when it came to lee donghyuck, everything, all of that, kind of just faded to the background. it became white noise, sort of like a dull hum, or the way you turn the tv on when you’re scrolling through your phone. 

he wouldn’t say it was love. infatuation, maybe. but, not love. that came later.

†

the first time lee donghyuck said anything to mark, he was asking what time it was because he left his phone at home.

4:37 p.m.

he said thank you and then he turned to face the front. they sat only a seat away and no one sat in between them, but mark didn’t have the confidence to move over or to start a conversation with the other. 

he was sort of desperate to do so, though. because everything he wrote, donghyuck made his way into the words. he appeared so much so, mark felt like he could craft lee donghyuck from his sentences alone.

well, the version of lee donghyuck in his head.

there was a difference between the one in mark’s head and the person outside of the words. a big difference, but one mark lee wouldn’t see until too late. until, there was no going back. there was only pain and hurt, broken bones and spirits. broken hearts, too.

†

no one realizes addiction is not only to drugs and alcohol, but to people too.

mark lee was so addicted.

lee donghyuck had a habit of asking mark for the time. it started simple enough. and, then he started smiling. and, winking and joking and laughing and being someone mark lee had never seen before. himself.

the exchange of phone numbers was in late december, before christmas time when mark ran into donghyuck as he was leaving campus for home and learning the other had no plans of returning home.

mark offered to bring donghyuck home, but the latter refused politely and scattered.

it was weird. something about the situation was weird and mark didn’t want to overthink it, but he couldn’t help himself. he wanted to know donghyuck so badly, to understand and solve and fix the puzzle that was lee donghyuck.

he didn’t understand, didn’t know at all, that you don’t fix people. you don’t solve them and find to put their missing pieces and put them back in place. you don’t coddle them and pray that their pain goes away, or try to take their pain away for them. 

he learned this the hardest way possible.

†

they ran into each other after the break ended. donghyuck looked different, tried and beaten down. he usually emitted rays of sunshine, yellow and orange and so bright it was divinely blinding.

it was the sort of sunshine you prayed for on the snowy days, yet stayed inside for because the heat became too much during the summer.

“mark,” donghyuck greeted, wiping the snow out of his hair. “how was your break?”

it was positively freezing outside and mark shivered. he cursed himself for not wearing a heavier coat. “good. missed you though,” he said mindlessly. he froze when he realized what he said. “oh. i-i-i didn’t mean that.”

“yeah, you did,” hyuck grinned. “it’s good. i missed you too. never knew what time it was.”

mark giggled nervously and hyuck reached out to wipe a snowflake off the top of mark’s cheekbone. his hands were soft, but turning blue from the wind. “jesus. you’re freezing. do you want to come to my dorm? it’s a few minutes away.”

“what’s up with you and always wanting to bring me home?” donghyuck quirked an eyebrow. “something you want to show me?”

mark flushed bright red. “what? no! i-i mean yes? no, i mean no.”

hyuck laughed and bit his lip. “i’m just kidding. i actually have to go do some stuff for work. i’ll see you in creative writing tomorrow.” 

“oh, where do you work?”

hyuck hesitated, just for a moment, long enough to leave a short awkward silence. “wouldn’t you love to know?”

“i mean, that’s why i asked,” mark murmured, still shivering.

donghyuck smiled. “first rule of fight club.”

mark raised his eyebrows. “are you telling me you’re in fight club?”

donghyuck just shrugged his shoulders and ran off, bidding mark a short goodbye.

mark tried not to smile on his walk to his dorm, but with his mind trained on lee donghyuck it was inevitable.

†

mark dove head first into falling for lee donghyuck. and, boy, was he ecstatic when the latter asked to work together on their creative writing final.

the storyline didn’t matter as long as lee donghyuck and his minty, carnation, baby powder scent was in mark’s nose. 

everything progressed from there. the first kiss, the holding hands, the first date. it all started while writing about the zombie apocalypse. mark couldn’t imagine it starting any other way. 

and, it started to fall apart in a similar manner. instead of starting their story, they were ending it. it was the only way to make sense of it, how things could be so good and then so bad.

donghyuck was more than an amazing boyfriend. he was picture perfect on paper and in real life. he listened to mark, bullied him, kissed him, held him like no one else did. he loved him in a way that mark lee never thought really existed.

mark lee was so fucking in love, he was blind. he was foolishly in love with a boy named lee donghyuck and he let that consume him. he let that become him. 

he let himself become the boy who loved lee donghyuck more than the sun loved the earth or the fisherman loved the sea. 

his identity was almost wholly lee donghyuck. but, lee donghyuck remained the mystery he had always been, even when they first met. a few pieces unraveled and trust eventually broke down a few walls. but, every time a wall came down there was door that lead to another maze of brick walls and every time a strand came loose there was another knot so tangled fingers would get stuck trying to take it apart.

but, mark was blind. he didn’t care. he didn’t give one fuck that there were so many secrets and very few truths. he didn’t care because he loved lee donghyuck.

his sweetest downfall.

†

love doesn’t have an exact rhyme or reason. what you give is not what you always get.

mark thought he understood that. but, very rarely do people fully understand anything. and if a person could ever comprehend anything, love would be the last thing on the list. maybe, because love isn’t supposed to be understood. it’s supposed to be felt.

yet, when lee donghyuck whispered three words for the first time into mark’s black hair late at night as they were supposed to be sleeping, mark knew what love was. it was lee donghyuck. it was the way he sang in the shower and how he always slept in late. his veins pumped love.

mark grinned so hard his cheeks hurt, eyes crinkled and twinkled under the dim light that his shitty little lamp provided. he was dizzy with love, drunk on the feeling. if being drunk felt half as good as hearing lee donghyuck say “i love you,” mark lee wanted to drink every single morning and every single night.

†

people leave. people you once spent every day with just pick up and disappear.

lee donghyuck was more than special, he was an extraordinary person. but, he wasn’t different. 

not when mark came home to his apartment one day and lee donghyuck’s things were no longer there. his toothbrush wasn’t in the holder and his t-shirts weren’t occupying mark’s floor and his books weren’t in mark’s bed. his scent was fresh but fleeting. 

denial is easy, especially if you are mark lee. he sat there for hours, believing that donghyuck would be home from his four p.m. class any minute. he’d come home with food and an explanation. 

_sorry, babe. i visited my roommate and traded some clothes out. i have them here with me, look. oh, my toothbrush? i threw it away. i still need to go to the store and replace it. my books are in my backpack. yeah, i know? very different for me. i have pizza though, your favorite too. no, i love you more..._

it would all make sense when lee donghyuck came home. mark lee’s world would start again. 

but, it never happened. so, instead came tears. he was cursing and screaming and throwing shit and ripping his own fucking hair out. he was sobbing and heaving and trying not to throw up. his stomach burned and his head pounded. 

his body gave out after everything was trashed. the pictures he had hanging up of him and donghyuck. the random things hyuck accidentally left without realizing. he had to rid his apartment of donghyuck. except for the sweatshirt he always wore. the sweatshirt he wore so much it was probably more his than hyuck’s. 

but, it smelled like lee donghyuck. minty, fresh like he was chewing gum all the time, and like strawberry cheesecake for a reason mark could not explain, and carnations and baby powder. all that mattered was that it smelled like mark’s favorite person. 

he cuddled into it and his sheets, which still had donghyuck’s smell all over them. 

pain can be described as a lot of things, in a lot of ways.

pain to mark lee was three words. _losing lee donghyuck._

†

sometimes instead of pain, you feel nothing. instead of that horrible aching feeling all over because your mental pain has manifested into physical, there’s nothing.

and, nothing covers all the emotions. joy, anger, sadness, longing, disgust.

where there should be something, there’s emptiness completely.

yukhei was the first person to bring it up to mark. a month had passed and mark was so far gone he felt nothing at all. nothing could touch him. he’d smile when he thought necessary, laugh at lame jokes, shrug when people spoke. he’d just go through the motions. 

when yukhei suggested underground boxing, mark barely reacted. he just said, “name the time and the place.”

yukhei did. and, mark showed up. in hindsight, what yukhei did was so utterly stupid the words dense, brainless, and idiotic would never cover it. 

the first match, mark got beat so badly they thought he’d have to go to the hospital. but, at the end of it, he wasn’t crying, he was smiling. for the first time, he felt _something_. he needed it so badly, his body craved it in fact. he wanted the skin-to-skin contact, even if that contact was a person punching the shit out of him.

maybe it wasn’t lee donghyuck cuddling him, but it was something. that was enough for him.

†

he got better. he had to when he was sitting at home for weeks where it hurt to just breathe. with uni ending for the summer break, the heat of june was a good of a time as any to learn how to fight.

it came with the sport. his reflexes improved, his hits, his kicks. he worked on strength, and yukhei helped him because he felt guilty for telling mark about the illegal sport.

mid-july, he was ranking number four or five in the club. if he focused on boxing, he could ignore the part of him that ached for someone. that was all that mattered: to keep his mind off lee donghyuck. 

if he thought about the younger, even for a split second, something in him would crack. he didn’t have any more body parts to spare.

†

how lee donghyuck ended up in front of mark’s apartment door, covered in blood and bruises, drunk out of his mind and laughing, mark didn’t know. it was saturday night and mark was watching reruns of the bachelorette.

there was a knock on his door and he gasped loudly when he opened his front door to find donghyuck a heap on the floor. his heart stopped for a second, literally just stopped.

mark dragged him inside and laid him on the couch. donghyuck’s wounds were familiar. bloody nose, bruised eyes and cheeks, hands cracked, ribs sore, legs black and blue. mark treated him with no questions asked. he didn’t want to know. it would hurt too much.

instead, mark wrapped the parts of hyuck needed, put bandaids on the cuts, wiped down the blood. he dressed hyuck in new clothes, patted his back as he threw up in the trash can. he listened to hyuck’s rambling and tried not to cry. 

he was on his way to bed when the first comprehensible thing left hyuck’s mouth.

_“i’m sorry it has to be this way.”_

me too, mark thought. me too.

†

he was gone in the morning. what was left in his place was a simple note.

_i meant what i said last night._

†

the biggest fight of mark’s life was just around the corner in late july. school was starting soon, but mark wasn’t worried. all he really cared about was the fight against a well-known, undefeated, beautiful boxer called MIRAGE.

yukhei kept telling him he’d be fine, but mark was worried. first rule of fight club was to not talk about fight club. second rule, don’t talk about other boxers. it was common courtesy to not talk about what a boxer looked like, how they fought, who they were outside of the match. the only thing they were allowed to talk about were ranks. and, MIRAGE was number one. 

“you got this, mark,” yukhei said, rubbing mark’s shoulders the night before. it was part of their ritual. 

“i hope you’re right,” mark muttered, cracking his neck on both sides. 

“MIRAGE has nothing on you.”

mark nodded. nothing could throw him off his game. he was ready to win.

†

he was sitting in the dingy locker room, getting ready for the match. too many people were there. too many people wanted to watch MIRAGE go against the too good to be true rookie. there were bets, money floating around as always, but the stakes felt higher.

he sighed and tugged on his hair, rocking back and forth on the floor.

he heard footsteps in the locker room. and, then he smelled mint and baby powder and carnations. he stopped breathing. it couldn’t be.

he didn’t make a sound until the footsteps were heard as echos from the hallway. 

_what if…_

†

when he got in the ring, everything around him disappeared. all he could focus on was the person in front of him and winning.

some matches are bare-boxing, no gloves at all. most fights were with gloves, but some were bare-boxing if requested. mark had no idea why MIRAGE had asked for a bare-boxing match, especially if he was as important as the people said.

he stepped into the ring and touched his hands, wrapped in white medical wrap because he really did not want to injure himself more than necessary. he turned around and his eyes met those oh so familiar.

hyuck looked at him, eyebrows raised. he looked good, bruised, but good. he was muscular and fit, bruised but still glowing. 

mark was dumbfounded and took a step back.

“time-out,” mark barely said above a whisper. the room was dead silent. 

“you can’t do that,” the “ref” said, rolling his eyes. 

“time. out.” mark’s teeth were grinding together, the vein in his neck bulging. the ref backed down.

“five minutes.”

the people groaned as mark hopped out of the ring and ran to the locker room, footsteps following him.

“what are you doing?” donghyuck snapped, hand on mark’s wrist and spinning him around. 

“ _what am i doing?_ ” mark said, shaking his head while biting the inside of his cheek, “what the fuck are you doing?”

donghyuck didn’t respond. 

“maybe you won’t answer my question,” mark said vehemently, “but to answer yours: i’m fixing what you broke.”

there was so much hatred, so much anger that mark hadn’t realized he had buried so far down. it was exploding, spilling out of him like lava. it burned, tasted bitter.

“no, mark,” lee donghyuck whispered sadly, wrapped hand reaching for mark’s cheek, “you’re destroying what i broke.”

the older let donghyuck touch him, just for one second before he pulled away. “it’s not your concern now. i’ll see you out there.” 

mark left for the ring.

†

it shouldn’t have felt so good to beat the shit out of donghyuck, but it did. mark simultaneously loved and hated how satisfying it felt to feel that ache in his hand because he was making donghyuck hurt as much as he did inside.

MIRAGE lost his first match, bloody, black and blue, practically limping as he left the ring.

when mark watched him leave, he realized it didn’t feel good to hurt donghyuck. nothing about it was good. rather, it made him whimper and feel. he gulped and jumped off the ring to vomit, puking up the little food he had earlier.

yukhei came over to him. “you didn’t go easy on him.”

mark wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. “i hurt him.”

“mark,” yukhei said, taking the older by the shoulders and looking him dead in the eyes. “you didn’t just hurt him, you almost killed him.”

mark threw up again.

†

dancing wasn’t the cure to everything, but it had to be a cure to something in mark’s book.

the club was packed and loud. mark hated it and how claustrophobic it was. but, he danced with a drink in hand. strangers were all around him, on top of him, under him. he was sweating, but it wasn’t important. all that mattered was that he was free, even if it was just for a night.

that night was haunting him. he couldn’t comprehend how he did that to donghyuck. how could he do that to someone he loved so much? love worked in many ways, but it didn’t work like that.

love was supposed to be patient, to be kind. but, that was just hate. burning, raging hatred.

so, he danced. he found a body and made it the one. he dedicated his effort to dancing with this person, to sending them flirty smiles, to eventually kissing them.

he closed his eyes and lost himself in the kiss, hands tangling in the person’s hair. he opens his eyes to take a breath, and he gags when it registers that the person he was making out with was not lee donghyuck. he pulled away and runs, barely hearing the person calling after him.

he made it home within a matter of thirty minutes. the second he entered his apartment, the tears hit. he fell to the floor, drunk and sobbing like he hadn’t in months. he was choking on his own snot, lungs not getting enough air as he gasped.

†

yukhei was speechless when he found mark on the floor the following morning. mark had a match that night.

“i wish i knew what to say,” yukhei sighed after mark explained the previous night over a cup of coffee. 

“there isn’t anything to say,” mark shrugged like it was nothing. 

his heart wanted lee donghyuck and it wouldn’t settle for anything less. mark knew that. he hated it but knew no matter what, lee donghyuck cracked his ribs to get to his chest and made a home in his heart. there was nobody else for mark lee.

†

“do you have a death wish or something?” yukhei screamed, slamming mark’s apartment door shut after he walked in. “you really signed up for NAPALM TOURNAMENT? are you crazy?”

mark looked up from his phone. “good to see you too.”

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. everyone knows NAPALM is a death wish! it’s full of the best boxers in the world. it’s bare-boxing! every match is! you’re going to hurt yourself, mark. please.”

“i don’t care,” mark replied simply, shrugging his shoulders. “i already paid for it. there’s money riding on it. i’m competing.”

†

yukhei got on board because he had no other choice. he never hesitated to tell mark how much of a mistake it was, but mark told him every time that he didn’t care. the first round was easy. second round, hurt. third round, hurt even more. fourth round, he got injured.

he fractured his wrist and everyone knew he couldn't box his last round. he’d have to forfeit. but, there was so much at stake. he had his own money and the money of thousands of other people all on his shoulders.

he couldn’t afford to quit, not after he’d come so long. he told yukhei so.

“what are you doing this for?” yukhei screamed, hitting his hand on mark’s bedroom fall as the latter sat on his bed, wrist resting on a pillow. “or, _who_ are you doing this for? you think hurting yourself is going to hyuck’s attention? mark! he fucking fell off the radar after you beat the shit out of him. he hasn’t been around in months. and, now you’re going to die trying to get him to pay attention to you? he had his chance. if he wanted you, he would’ve fucking stayed!”

“and, what about it? do my intentions really matter? money? lee donghyuck? what does it matter to you, yukhei? just let me box. i need to.”

“what is it going to take for you to just quit? why can’t you just care about yourself, just a little bit? what? do you want me to pay back all the money you have on this match? do you want me to call donghyuck myself and tell him to talk you out of it? what?”

mark shook his head. “i need to box, yukhei. just try to understand.”

“i am! mark, i am trying to understand. but, i can’t. you think lee donghyuck will care about you if he sees you’re hurt. there are no guarantees. you know this. why can’t you just, for once in your fucking life, stop?”

“because i need to make sure. one last blow. i need to know for sure he doesn’t give a fuck about me.” a tear slipped down mark’s cheek. he sniffled.

yukhei sighed and rubbed his temples. “you know, mark. you’re just in denial about it.”

“guess we’ll see tomorrow.”

†

he was in the locker room, dressed for the match, wrist swollen and throbbing. yukhei told him not to. but, came with him anyway. he was too good of a friend for mark.

he looked in the mirror and barely recognized himself. his body was all muscle, but it was black and blue. his skin was yellow in too many spots to count. his face was cut up and sore, his under-eye bags more visible than ever before. his black hair was covering part of his forehead. 

he breathed in deeply, even though it hurt.

his phone started to ring. he walked slowly toward it, reached for it with the hand that wasn’t in so much pain it made him want to cry. 

his heart jumped and stomach flipped hand his breath stopped when he read the name on the screen.

low and behold.

it was lee donghyck.

**Author's Note:**

> uhh open ending oh. 
> 
> i wanted to leave a lot of this up to your imagination. what happens to mark and hyuck? i think i have some ideas and you probably do to. feel free to share your ideal ending.
> 
> please comment. nothing is too long or short. i would love, love, love if you could comment/or leave a kudos. they make me feel special.
> 
> thank you for reading. maybe i'll make this a series. i think these characters deserve an ending, no?
> 
> love you.
> 
> yours forever,
> 
> liv (@flirtmarkno on twitter)


End file.
